Talking relationships

Nowadays I have a newfound interest in TED Talks. [I know they’re ancient on the internet! But I’m a late bloomer- net wise] The two main topics I like to hear on, are: 

 Nutrition – since it’s of my professional interest

 Relationships – since it’s of my personal interest

In fact, last night I came across a very beautiful talk by author of the famous book ‘Men are from Mars….’ – John Gray. The talk was fun, informative, & insightful. Although some people might find the talk a little like ‘stating the obvious’, but looking at the relationship failure rates nowadays, the obvious might no more be so obvious!!

We do know the rights from the wrongs- what’s good to foster a relationship and what’s not. Yet, our mental blocks, our past baggage stop us from expressing ourselves completely in our present relationships, or sometimes put the burden of our expectations on a single relationship.

Here’s what I feel is wrong with our ‘learning method’… Our childhood is spent mostly in schools, where we’re prepared for our professional lives. True, we make friends, we bond with people. But, we’re mostly left on our own in-built capacity to socialize.

We’re so busy teaching our kids, the importance of sharing and cooperating, that we forget the other important qualities to maintain good relationships. Somewhere, self-esteem, self-love, & self- respect get suppressed under “keeping your brothers before you”, “love thy neighbor”, & “compassion for all”.  And then we expect to have the perfect marriage, and family life as soon as we’ve fulfilled our professional goals. (Sometimes, even before that, for girls)

To be happy, professional success plays a part, definitely. But a major part is played by our relationships – to our parents, siblings, friends, romantic partner. So, our early life education should consist of more on inter-personal relationships than just putting students to work in teams, or ensuring good familial environment.

Yes, there are a few schools which have student- counselling bodies; or teachers, who can suggest good reads on such topics to students. But they’re just a handful in India. Every school should be bound to have such student support. That can happen, only if interpersonal skills are made a part of the curriculum.

True, our education system has come a long way in the past few generations. But, we’re still not fully equipped to give a wholesome life to our future citizens. Only awareness can bring about change. And it’s high time that we be aware of this flaw in our education system.

OK, enough of reflection! The good news is that, my daughter is all set to start school! We all are very excited! New dress, new shoes, new things, new books, new life! With the current realization about education, I plan to fill the void at my level. Very difficult! But challenge accepted!

Anger management!!

In my last trip to India, I heard a few horrifying news of people being killed by enraged mobs. One particular news was of a father being killed by such a mob in front of his child – just because the ball they were playing with, hit a scooter rider.

What must have been the scene in front of the kid! A relaxed, fun Sunday morning with daddy, turned into a lifetime of horror. Somehow, this particular piece of news has stuck on with me. My thoughts often drift towards the incident. Imagine, after a long grilling week, you decide to spend some quality time with your kid. There’s a fun and happy environment in the family. Personally to me, the sight of a father and kid playing together is a very heartwarming sight. The mom, the grand mom might have looked out from the window, with a warm smile. Suddenly, a small ball takes a detour outside the house compound, and the whole scenario changes. Instead of the happy chilled out dad, you see a limp body, lying in a pool of blood. Instead of the playful kid, you see a scared child- his heart marked with a lifetime of damage. Imagine the horror in the eyes of the mom and the grand mom. All this - why? Because two people could not tolerate a ball hitting their scooter. And they were powerful enough to arrange quite a crowd to beat up a poor fellow.

Oh! I’m sorry! Did I just say tolerate? I forgot that tolerance (or rather intolerance) is a sensitive topic in India. But as a society, can we explain to that young kid, the sudden upheaval in his otherwise normal life?

And this is not the only instance of fits of anger we’ve heard. Of course, the social media is full of such incidents all over the world. But in our day to day life too, we come across so many instances, when either we or somebody else are working under the control of rage.

Sometimes, I think we’re a world full of angry, frustrated people – the least in tune with our feelings. There are places, where we get very upset- but we have to suppress them to save a job, a relationship, an image. Then those suppressed feelings come out with a blast, wherever the pressure is less and our authority is more. All, cases of mismanaged anger. Then we justify our anger with FB posts like “people who get angrier, are the purest at heart!” oh! Really?

And to say, we are the most technologically equipped generation ever!! A technology, which caters to all your needs- even stress management. We have all kinds of articles and books available on mindfulness, stress, anger, anxiety- you name it, and we have it. Still we get stressed and super enraged at the drop of a hat.

What are we passing on to our future generations? Nowadays, parents who hit their kids are looked down upon- and even punished in some countries. In school, good teaching practice involves being calm and supportive to the students. And still, our kids are either killing themselves or their peers due to uncontrolled emotions. Take away the TV remote from a two year old, and see how he blasts on you for the offence!

In our friendships and relationships, we are the most vulnerable ever. We have more freedom and capability to choose our friends & partners. Still we see so many friendships breaking and more partners separating than ever.

Perhaps, we have been in the ‘chalta hai’ (it’s ok) era for too long. And now, we all are craving to get out of that ‘chalta hai’ mode. Which is good in many ways of course! After all, we should not tolerate oppression or cheating or any other vice. True! But haven’t we taken it a tad too far? Now, there’s nothing which is ‘chalta hai’. We only want the best – nothing but the best! From ourselves, from other people. Anything less than the best, upsets us- if not infuriate! And many such incidents throughout the day builds up our anger inside and then it bursts out in the least expected time.

Yes, we should put the best effort we can in anything we do. Yes, we need to get the best service possible if we are putting in our hard earned money. But, don’t we have to be our best selves possible? Don’t we need to treat others, or for that matter ourselves, in the best possible manner?

What kind of anger management technique will stop us in the downward spiraling path? What kind of yoga, mindfulness or religion? What kind of government action do we need so we learn to react according to the intensity of a situation? Does the answer lie outside? Or do we have to just do a deep soul searching to find our peace? Reminds me of a line my dad used to sing when we were small- ‘ki koribo kothay jabo? Kothay gele shanti pabo?’ (What do I do, where do I go? Which place will give me peace?).

I pray to God that we all get that peace in our heart. May we all discover the act, the place, which will bring us peace.

Happy Republic/Australia Day!

I have never been much of a patriot. I am one of those people, who feel absolutely neutral about their country. There was never a time when I eagerly wished to move out of India, to any foreign place. Neither was it very difficult for me to leave my country and settle abroad. But since I’ve left India, I have not once sung the National Anthem without crying. When my daughter was young, she would ask why I was crying. I would just drop the issue, saying I’m missing my mom. But now, as a 4 year old, she’s a little more intelligent. She notices when I’m not able to speak. And somehow she knows the cause. She looks at the TV and asks me what song it is. Why are they singing it? I explain that it’s her country’s National Anthem. It’s our republic day tomorrow, that’s why they are singing it. And she replies, “But its Australia Day tomorrow”. The other day she told me, “Dad’s home is in India, your home is in India, and my home is in Australia”. We laughed at her innocence at that time. But somewhere in my heart, I’m uncertain whether to be proud of it, or ashamed. Truly, I cannot tell her that this is not her home. I cannot take away her sense of belonging to the place she’ll spend most of her life in. But, I can also not let her be oblivious to her roots. I’m sure every parent staying out of homeland, must be going through the same trouble. And I’m sure, in the end, everything will fall into place. It depends on us to find the balance, and I’m sure as long as we intend to, we’ll be able to strike the balance.

It’s a good thing that there’s at least one national holiday which India and Australia share together – 26^th of January. So, while I’m enjoying the nationwide holiday, and watching news about celebrations in different parts of Australia, my mind wanders back to my school days, when this day meant flag hoisting, drills and dances – and the National Anthem. 

So, Happy Republic Day my fellow country people!

And Happy Australia Day, my fellow Australians!

Ding dong!!

One or our relatives celebrated their anniversary a few days ago. And, on their anniversary, they shared on FB, a very old pic taken in our home. And this took me down the memory lane. Now, I don’t want to sound like the ‘who bhi Kya din the’ types. But it’s really amazing how things have changed in just a decade or so.

There are many things which have changed. But this is not a school essay- ‘past and present; write in 350 words’. So, I want to write about one thing – visitors - as a tribute to this pic which was taken on one of their visits to our place.

Today, we don’t visit our friends before at least making a phone call to ask if they’re home, and free or not. In those days, nobody cared to do that. I miss those evenings when between sips of tea, mom would suggest, “let’s go to so-&- so’s house”. I still remember those days, when the doorbell would ring without warning. And we kids would eagerly wait for mom’s pleasantly surprised voice going “ahaaaa” on seeing some old friends – 'coz that meant a break from our boring homework!

We make our weekend plans, several weeks ahead, nowadays. There was a time when weekends used to be totally unplanned... yet fun. Though if you had asked in those days, “what did you do over this weekend?” there wouldn’t be any solid answer.

We invite people for lunches and dinners – and plan what all we need to cook (or bring, if it’s a potluck). But back then, servings could easily turn from 4 to 14, without much efforts. NOT JOKING!! As such, I’ve never seen my mom fuss over cooking – aaj ki ranna korbo? (What to cook today?). More often than not, our meals were planned just half an hour before eating. But that never caused a problem, even when we had surprise guests over dinner.

I love that feeling of sudden pleasures, in the middle of a mundane chore. Not that it was always pleasurable though! There have been several times, when after much coaxing and crying, dad would finally agree to take us to a movie/ restaurant; and just when we’re about to leave – surprise!! Visitors became the visited!! I really used to get annoyed on those occasions…. I still do! More so now, when the trend IS to inform people before visiting them. And it also gives me time to make my house presentable- to shove the half dried clothes into the cupboard, to put all the dishes in the dishwasher, to clear the kitchen table top, to make my daughter pick up her toys! But then, there was a different fun in arriving somewhere unannounced – that’s all I’m saying.

Technology has changed our lives big time. Long distance phone calls have turned into VOIP’s. Letters have become WhatsApp messages. And when you want to use words at length, BLOG!

My New Year Post 

I turned 33 this year. One of my friend says that 33 is the new teenage. What she means is that life has just begun for me. In many ways, yes I agree with her, but being an Indian 33 year old Mother, has given me quite a few experiences to learn from. Here, I’m summarizing a few lessons life taught me the last year. Some of them are new discoveries for me. Some, just reinforced with time.

Lessons I learnt last year:

•   It is not easy to stay in a rented apartment in Australia. It’s even more difficult when you vacate.

•   Misunderstandings are bad. But if there’s love, Relationship stays in spite of them. If there’s no love, they become the reason for a broken relationship.

•   Whatever you do, people will form an opinion about you. So, it’s pointless to explain yourself.

•   It is not always good to voice your opinion. Silence is indeed gold.

•   You are responsible for your own health, happiness, success, and career.

•  A relationship takes two.

•  Sometimes, children do keep you together- and thriving.

• Your adulthood reflects your childhood- a lot.

•  We can replace family politics with fun things like travelling- and that helps!

•  You can have mixed emotions for things like sky diving, and still have fun!

Looking forward to the 34^th year, where I have several plans lined up. I know, it’s going to be a major year of learning for me. And I’m ready for it. Bring it on 2016!!

I'm not complaining!!!

This Janmashtami was a little eye opener for me. I was having a bad day, and as it happens on all bad days, everything in life seemed to be just falling apart!!! So, as soon as I got to the temple, I started lamenting (in my mind of course!) to God. I started to think about all that was going wrong at the time; Praying to God to help me. I must have spent a good ten minutes in all this. Suddenly, I realized that there was a change at the altar this time. Generally, that particular temple has Gour- Nitai (incarnations of Lords Krishna and Balram) on their main altar. This time, they had the idols of Lord Krishna and Radha. They had taken out the regular idols for abhishek. The Radha Krishna idols were looking so attractive and stunning. I was simply mesmerized by the special Janmashtami decorations. At the same time, I was totally conscience smitten, that I took so long to notice the change; that I was so absorbed in my troubles that I couldn’t even see which God I was talking to. It felt like an indication – as if God is saying, ‘why waste your life on each small trouble? You could instead enjoy the beautiful world I created for you!!’

This small incidence set my thoughts rolling…  

We’re so engrossed in the troubles of our lives, that we stop looking around. We want to have pleasant experiences but we are busy looking for solutions to our mundane life issues. We want peace; we want respite from our difficult, time slotted routine. And in the process, we fail to see what good is already happening in our lives. We forget to enjoy now, in waiting for an end to our troubles.

Now, how did this thinking change me? Naaaah…. It really didn’t!!! I’m still the same old grumpy girl! But, my troubles seem a little lighter now. I am more aware, that though there are hundreds of problems in life, still I have two hundred more reasons to be happy about. And though this does not help me with my problems, it does calm my mind sufficiently to find constructive responses to them.

So far, so good. It’s not long since Janmashtami, so I can’t say I’m a reformed person and all my problems are solved! But I’m trying to complain less, enjoy more; to see a situation in totality rather than only the negative side of it. Let’s see how far the lesson goes!!

A toast to hope

It’s a very age old belief that we should make our actions right. The good results follow. We should not think of results- we should think of our actions. Well… ideally? Maybe it’s true. In my life, whatever I have tried to do with a detached mind, I have got good results for it. But truly, is it possible to detach yourself from EACH and every job you do?

In our workplace, we do expect a good salary in return for our work. For every job well done, we expect someone to appreciate. If it were not so, painters would not sell their paintings, musicians wouldn't work hard on their music. A farmer toils in his fields and expects a good crop. If the harvest is not good, his hard work is all washed away. Why? He could detach himself from his deed, consider himself lucky that he could be a worker for nature and forget about the harvest. Why does he have to wait for his actions to yield? Because, he has to live. To survive on this earth, the farmer has to get a good yield, the painter... The musician- they have to get money in return for their art. In order to live, we need our expectations fulfilled.

So is true in relationships. We put in our efforts and expect something in return – a smiling face, two loving words, some trust and understanding. Is it wrong to do so, if we have expectations in all other aspects of life? I know, ideally in a relationship, you should keep fulfilling your duties with the knowledge that no one will notice. I even heard somewhere, the notion that whatever you do for others, devote that to God. But we are humans, not saints. Human beings are eventually bound to have hopes. Then it’s very difficult to keep on putting efforts with your intentions being doubted every time and your efforts being overlooked.

But, then again, we are humans… and humans need HOPE to survive. And so we continue to hope- that somebody is looking upon us, that our feelings will be taken care of eventually, that even if everything goes wrong, we’ll come out of it stronger and wiser – cheers to HOPE.